Winning Elections
Seats in parliaments are prizes to be won.
Marginal seats are much like auctions, too.
In safe seats, pre-selection is the prize for a winning candidate.
We want everyone to want to donate to our election campaigns, even if the law now says they are not allowed to do so.
We are always fit for office. We usually know how to fit inside the law, even if only on the boundary.
We know how to run successful election campaigns with donated money.
We love lobbyists wherever they fit on the political spectrum, regardless of their citizenship status, as long as they donate to us right away through various direct and indirect channels.
Keeping us right at the centre of political power costs a great deal of money.
Please donate now. We need your money as soon as possible. There is an expensive advertising budget to meet.
Our candidates with ministerial skills not only have the ability to smirk and gloat as necessary on television, they also have the ability to ignore accountability. They can deflect questions from journalists with ease, mostly because the culture of mainstream journalism in Australia has been developed by the Marquis de Tabloid.
We rely on the Marquis de Tabloid to help us win elections.
So donate to us today. We will then be able to keep giving the marquis the revenue and political sway he demands.
There are several ideological fights happening at present, as is usual in politics.
We know that Covid is a minor nuisance to most Australians. That is why we have left that distraction to the state governments to handle, with or without washing their hands like the federal government.
Keeping up the federal and international fight for the vital fossil
fuel industries is much more important to us. The Australian economy will depend upon mining exports until the end of
time.
If you vote for Smirk and Gloat of the LobbyRule Party, you will help keep jobs in the upper levels of the finance industry and legal profession in Australia. That is where the money is to be made for Australia's future prosperity.
Extractive industries have mainly become mechanical and digital. Even so, they are an important part of our international strategy towards maintaining relevance on the world stage.
Low ranking jobs, such as those in health care, aged care, disability care, education, the cleaning industry and agriculture, can easily be done by imported workers from low income countries on temporary visas.
If you cannot afford to donate to us, you obviously have a low ranking job and should look for better employment very soon.
The News Crap of the Marquis de Tabloid helps us keep our corrupt coalition bedfellows and overly excited members out of the news.
LayBore, as usual, says it wants to be tough. We would prefer to smirk and gloat at such claims. We even enjoy doing so in the smoke of bushfires. We enjoy doing so when the home of a flood-affected family floats past a news crew. We also enjoy doing so when a tornado rips gum trees from their roots on Aussie farms.
All our candidates have perfected all the necessary skills for representing the real interests of real Australians. That is why we want you to donate now to ensure they, and you, keep us in power.
Real Australians know we are the government, even when we are not apparently in government. We have the right to rule.
Although meeting our prime minister for marketing purposes is not a good look in a pandemic, we do our best to supply cardboard cutouts of whoever our prime minister happens to be at any particular moment.
Indeed, being a cardboard cutout is the main requirement for being or becoming a prime minister in Australia in the 21st century.
All our most successful political candidates can talk for hours about nothing at all. They can easily repeat the words "within the rules" over and over again without even blinking.Duping the public is easier when candidates look plausible, dress the
part, smile at babies and media scrums as required, and ignore
important questions.
We take pride in making sure our candidates can run the country as it should be run. That is why we prefer deluded narcissists as candidates, even at the state government level.
Bushfire smoke screens and coal-fired power station smoke screens help to distract the public from the real wheels of power in Australia, and internationally.
We often get away with appointing deluded narcissists to important bureaucratic positions to sell our message to the public sector and help our corporate mates make more money, even overseas.
When any of our candidates fail to get elected or re-elected, we help them out
by giving them important or irrelevant bureaucratic positions, at least if they fail
to gain lucrative board positions with our corporate mates.
We are great at avoiding having plans when it suits us, especially when we are
wearing Hawaiian shirts and baggy shorts instead of business suits.
When we have a plan, it is usually no more than a slogan.
Our Really Hot Climate Policy is a great slogan.
You may prefer donate now as a slogan, or even as a plan, but we prefer it as an action.Our reputation as great money managers must prevail. We know, in truth, that we are crap at managing anything else.
That is why we give important management jobs, including public administration jobs, to our business mates and their relatives, failed LobbyRule candidates, an assortment of LobbyRule ex-politician retirees and our own relatives.Poor people do not know how to manage money, or anything else. That is why we have no sympathy for them.
Yet we care about the personal lives of Australians. We acknowledge that the private information of voters is valuable to us. We use it all the time in our marketing campaigns.
The other side of politics has long
done the same.
Quiet little white kids are great political props, as even our political
opponents know. Such kids often take the place of real empathy in political
campaigns.
The littlest kids, regardless of their ethnic backgrounds, are too young to ask embarrassing questions.
Pretending to care about their future is easy when smiling into television cameras.
Primary school kids are another matter entirely. They should be quiet Australians and never go on strike.If you want to keep the kids of Australia quiet, donate to us now.
We do not care about the mental health of most Australians, or their physical health, or even their financial health for that matter.
We only care about contributions to the important bits of the economy, namely the bits associated with donations to our party coffers.
You may have noticed that we have already taken over most federal websites as our own property.
That is how we can push our contradictory messages about doing as we tell you, without using donated funds for the purpose.
But donate to us anyway. We will still need to reshape the minds of Australian voters in marginal seats between now and the next federal election, in any way possible.
Our advisors are mostly on work experience after completing their degrees in prestigious universities. Working in ministerial offices provides them with a gap year in politics before they begin their real careers. Usually, even before birth, their parents and grandparents donate to us on their behalf.
You may even want to borrow money to donate to us.
Being able to borrow money is a sign of wealth. That is why being wealthy is important.
The finance industry usually owns the loans of Australians. The Australian parts of that industry borrow funds internationally.
Owning loans is lucrative on the international money market, at least until the whole thing crashes down again. So borrow money while you can and give it to us as a donation.
We do not want to scare off foreign investors, especially those giving us, and your financial suppliers, the loans.
LayBore has long been scary to the greedy.
Economic growth is all about propping up the value of investments and stopping them from crashing in a heap.
Delaying the crash by splashing around cash is meant to help our mates, and other donors, so that they can donate to us. It is how we prefer the circular economy to work.
We are doing our best to be honest with the public. We do not care about looking after the privacy or peace of mind or even the prosperity of anyone other than our donors, with the possible exception of our own families.
If you want us to care about you, donate today.
Australia mainly has an economy based on selling off natural resources to whoever wants to buy them. That is how the really important bits of Australia end up in other countries, and in the atmosphere.
The revenue from export-related environmental decimation
is used to prop up the retail industry. Retail in 21st century
Australia mainly involves using credit to buy stuff made elsewhere.
Retailing is a great part of the advanced Australian economy. It makes Australians believe they have money to spend and stuff to buy, even when the money really belongs to someone else.
And the stuff Australians buy is mainly made by poor people living in polluted environments, sometimes even in Australia itself.
We are currently working out which bits of Australian public property to sell
off next, in the inevitable event of interest rates rising.
We know that pushy sales tactics have long been profitable, which is why we have been using them to gain donations to our party for many years now. So donate now.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to shape the future of the world in our image.
You may already know that our sit on it policy is all about keeping a lid on the truth about wealth and poverty in Australia, including future wealth and poverty in Australia.
The main purpose of creating jobs is to prop up the Australian property market.
Nothing else matters as much. Without a stake in real estate, it is difficult to be taken seriously in the financial services industry.
If you can get a loan, you get a go.
No-one can afford for the poor to sit around all day, feeling sorry for themselves. Time is money. If you give a job a go, even if it is a shit job cleaning toilets in Parliament House in Canberra, you deserve to get a go with a loan.
To get a go is much the same as shoving coins in a poker machine or playing about with other people's money in the financial services industry.
To get a real go, even if you are a retiree, donate to us today.
We get a go by winning elections. When our candidates win seats, they get a go at getting rich after they retire from parliament, unless they are rich already and can properly retire, even if only to the backbench.
Ordinary citizens mean nothing to us, especially if they are overseas and impoverished or really old and poor or young and unlikely to donate to us now.
Impoverished Australians overseas do nothing to stimulate the Australian economy.
Really old and poor Austraians, including the frail ones, have failed to look after themselves properly.
Young Australians unlikely to vote for us do not deserve a go, or a loan.
You may prefer to call our sit on it policy a shit on it policy, especially if you are attempting to make ends meet by cleaning toilets for a living. But donate to us anyway if you want to gain special privileges in the future.
The moderates in our party regard themselves as liberals. They prefer to encourage people to seek out loans to buy things they cannot really afford, like gold toilets and jewel flush toilets and luxury rumpus rooms stocked with spare toilet rolls and suppositories of wisdom.
That stimulates the economy. It is good for business. It gives added meaning to having a go.
Blame the other side of politics for Australia's problems. Blame the greenies and lefties for blocking our great ideas in the Senate and treating our donors like shit.
Show your support for our really hot climate policy and our sit on it party by donating now.
The moral purpose of selling off public property is to help our mates become richer. We think there is great potential in selling off national parks and major roads, and even big bridges and big tunnels and big hospitals and big schools and big beaches. It will stimulate the financial services industry.
If you work in the financial services industry, or depend on the financial services industry in any way whatsoever, donate to us now.
The Marquis de Tabloid managed to take over the world because the financial services industry, in various parts of the world, allowed him to do so. He mainly supports the right-wing of our party.
Whichever part of the LobbyRule Party you support, donate and keep Australia great.
Members of the right-wing of our party regard themselves as conservatives. They encourage family values and constipation. They prefer to sit on things as they imagine they were a hundred years ago, or even several centuries ago. They want everyone else to do the same, whether from a royal throne room or outback outhouse.
LobbyRule right-wingers know that extreme weather events have always
been part of Australian life. Floods and bushfires make commuting
exciting. They make holidays in national parks more of an adventure.
They make what is left of the Great Barrier Reef more valuable to the
tourist industry.
No-one in Australia is doing the job of housing the poor properly, which is why it is best if the poor keep working at all hours of the day and night, whether cleaning toilets, picking fruit or unpacking boxes of imported food in supermarkets.
The working poor keep the economy strong and help the rich have freedom. The LobbyRule Party of Australia is all about maintaining the freedom of rich Australians, including those known to break the law from time to time.
We know that many gullible Australians and foreigners have been impoverished by greedy and aggressive family members, violent former romantic interests, exploitative labour hire companies, expensive migration agents, deceptive bank employees, other workers in the gambling industry, and other suppliers of loans and dreams.
Yet a financial nightmare coming true is just bad luck, like a losing streak on the pokies. We know the best way to deal with it is by encouraging the poor and desperate to work in low paying jobs, even when they think they need to sleep.
The desperately poor are more likely to vote for LayBore than to us. Which is why we continue to blame LayBore for Australia's problems.
As you are unlikely to be desperately poor at present, donate to us to prove it.
When people are motivated to make money, whether through passive investments or actively through work or through winning a fortune through fair or foul means, they are, at least in some cases, more likely to be helpful and possibly even polite, at least superficially.
But politeness counts for nothing in Australia. Being able to donate to us is much more important.
Elections in Australia have never been won by acting politely.
Managing public money properly requires a really hot climate policy and a sit on it policy.
That means avoiding spending money on anything Lefties believe important, like food for the poor. Charities do that job well enough.
Charities want the guilty to donate to them. We want the self-confident to donate to us.
Being polite is unAustralian. Feeling guilty is unAustralian. Giving away wealth is unAustralian.
If you have been diagnosed with a fatal disease, please ensure your Will is up-to-date. Any up-to-date Wills will contain substantial bequests of money for the LobbyRule Party of Australia.
A great way to show you care about Australia's future is by keeping us in power after you are no longer around. You can always donate now, too.
The health of most Australians means nothing to us, which is why we are keen to open up the economy to kill off the weak and prevent them from being a burden on the public purse.
We have given plenty of public money to various charitable organisations to set up websites to help keep ordinary, working Australians healthy.
Keeping Australians healthy is primarily for the benefit of their employers.
We have given government contracts to many of our mates to set up websites, including government websites, to inform the public of our policy stance on human weaknesses and other nuisances of various sorts.
We have even propped up insurance companies with vast sums of public money to encourage Australians to use private medical facilities if they do become ill or injured, even though those facilities are no better, and sometimes even worse, than public sector hospitals.
Like LayBore, we have spent much public money on health infrastructure, directly and indirectly. That is why there is no public money left to employ health care workers.
When Australians manage to gain appointments with health care practitioners, they should show their gratitude in financial ways directly, and by voting for us, and donating to us.
The top people in the health business want to maintain profitable property portfolios and societal prestige. If you are one of those people, donate to us now.
We want voters to be grateful in many ways for any health or illness services they receive at public expense. We also want them to be grateful for any other services they receive at public expense. After all, we regard public expenses as our expenses.
Your gratitude is important to us. You can show it by donating now.
Polite politics and world peace mean nothing to us, of course.
We obviously know peace is unprofitable. That is why we spend so much public money
propping up military industries so our troops can behave like real Aussies in developing countries.
Military activities create jobs. They help to build the nation.
But we don't want the bond market on our back for the foreseeable future. That is why we usually need to find publicly-owned things to sell off when the bond market wants its money back.
Our donors do not want to pay tax. If you do not want to pay tax, donate to us today.
Preparing to win elections is far more important to us that international diplomacy. That is why we are known in diplomatic circle as larrikin koala-carriers.
We obviously do not care about koalas, which is why we prefer to carry them as diplomatic baggage.
We only do what is good for the economy.
The bond market wants us to do what is good for the economy. If you own Australian government bonds, donate to us today to ensure they retain their value for at least one more election cycle.
LobbyRule Party fundraising in a pandemic is not easy. The meet and greets are difficult to arrange in lockdown, and in quarantine, with or without a koala or two to assist.
Koalas are happy in any of our branches if given enough gum leaves and somewhere to doze. With a big enough donation, you will be offered the chance to have your photograph taken with the koalas in any of our branches.
A cardboard cutout of the prime minister in the background is the best we can do in the current circumstances if you want to gain influence in the party as well as a cute official souvenir photograph.
If you wear one of our exclusive Vote for the LobbyRule Party of Australia face masks in the official photograph, so much the better.
The mask can only be purchased after making one or more substantial donations at your local branch.
Poor people and ill people tend to worry about the future. Worrying is not good. Avoiding worries is good.
If you donate to us, we will relieve you of any worries you may have, at least if you are unlikely to be poor soon or unlikely to be seriously ill soon.
In any situation, talking up the Australian economy is good.
Pretending the future is going to be great is good.
Encouraging affluent people to get richer is good.
If you want a good future, donate to us now.
We have no interest in future history or in the truth of past history, with or without low interest loans, no interest loans or the inability to pay back any type of loan.
We do not want a loan from you, or anyone else, we want you to donate to us. We want everyone you know to donate to us, too. Get onto it right away and save the day.
We are not taking anything for granted about the future, even if the international media and international community thinks otherwise.
Our job is to keep Australians relaxed and comfortable.
No worries are part of the Australian way of life, or at least the way of life of Australians with big pay packets and/or big loans and/or big inheritances over several generations.
If you have a big pay packet, donate some of it to us.
If you do not yet earn enough then work harder, work longer, and work for the good of Australia until the day you drop like a drop bear.
Getting better paying jobs should be everyone's priority, even when working three jobs just to pay the rent and sometimes even to eat.
If you have already eaten something at least once today, make a donation to us now.
Be grateful you are living in the land of no worries.
Burdening Australians with global responsibilities would not be good. It would be bad for the Australian economy. It would make real Australians worried about making a loss on their real estate investments.
Burdening Australians with other people's problems is not good, even if those people happen to be Australians. If you do not want to be burdened with other people's problems, donate to us now.
Our
members always look tidier in business suits, and therefore more convincing, than members of the LayBore Party. That
is why voters know we are better at the business of politics. We look
confident and therefore competent.
Looking confident is a great way to signal that we have no worries, too.
Showing confidence in the Australian economy is the responsibility of every Australian citizen. If you have confidence in the Australian economy, donate to us today.
Real Australians have long blamed poverty on low paid parents and ill parents and parents with other worries and parents who did not plan to become parents.
It is everyone's duty to be or become a rich parent.
If you are a rich parent, it is your duty to donate to us to help maintain your important societal status.
Female adults without children are selfish.
Male adults without children are unfortunate.
Australia has long locked up poor kids, and abused them in other ways. It has locked up their dads. It has kicked their non-Australian dads out of the country after falling foul of the law. It has called poor mums dole bludgers for not finding work compatible with sole parenting.
Kids are meant to be consumers. If they are poor, they and their families do not consume as much as rich families, unless a poor parent somehow gets hold of a high interest loan.
Low interest loans are for the rich, as anyone with a triple A credit rating will know.Real Australians have never cared much about the future of poor kids.
Real Australians do not even
care about the present experiences of poor kids, wherever they happen to be
in the world.
Increasing GDP has nothing to do with median incomes or low incomes or no incomes.
GDP is all about building things with borrowed money.
If you want to help increase Australian GDP, donate to us now.
The LobbyRule Party takes Australia's international responsibilities seriously.
The South Pacific is a big place though it only contains a few tourist attractions for Australians to visit from cruise ships.
But the pandemic put a stop to those visits so the Pacific no longer matters to Australians.
We have never worried about the Pacific, or about the Chinese, or the French.
Deception is a great strategic tactic, at least when it works.
A great strategy for winning, whether in politics, the military, sport or business, or even in crime, is to avoid detection when seeking to outwit opponents.
We have outwitted all our opponents time and time again. We do our best to stick to the known rules publicly but we keep our heads below the surface wherever possible.
We expect our premiers and prime ministers to be decoys. They usually do that job quite well.
We have trained the media to focus most political attention on blaming our political opponents and not on the real stuff.
The cardboard cutouts of LobbyRule premiers and LobbyRule prime ministers, with or without koalas, are strategic parts of our no worries policy.
If you are an Australian voter with a worry, your local GP should be able to give you a few pills to solve that problem. Your local pub may help a bit, too. And pulling a few pokies might do the trick in the short term.
We are not here for the ordinary Australian public. We do not represent them, even if they have mortgages. We are here for our mates.
If you regard yourself as one of our mates, donate now.
We will then do our best to defend your interests, with or without the antics of our puppet premiers and ridiculous prime ministers.
We need your money to help us campaign for political power yet again. The public will forget their worries and all the political stuff ups of the past few years if we campaign hard enough.
Talk up jobs. Talk up the economy. Talk up Australia. Sell the message. DONATE NOW.
Being defensive may or may not involve being offensive.
When we defend, we deny, we distort, we deflect, we distract, we denigrate, we dream up unrealistic schemes needing great public expenditure over many generations.
That is why we are great at running governments in Australia.
We are especially great at deceiving governments elsewhere.
We have worked hard to lull Australian voters into believing they are living in the land of no worries, including poor Australians.
We have worked hard to lull Australians in Australia that their prosperity matters to us, at least if they can afford mortgages until at least the next federal election.
Australians not in Australia now know they are on their own in the world, unless they play a popular sport quite well, in which case their sponsors will look after them until they can no longer play a popular sport quite well.
Australian governments, of whatever ideological shape, have always
defended themselves by stating big financial figures as proof of their
competence. The gullible public falls for the deceit every time.
If deception fails to do the trick with non-gullible Australians, we tell everyone the opposition agrees with us on everything, in the national interest.
If you are already one of our donor mates, we are looking after your interests with our defence policy.
Winning elections in all about defending the interests of donors.
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